Jared Christ Superstar

Have you ever tried to eat enough Stove Top Stuffing to wallpaper a room with the boxes? How about reimagining the Last Supper as a BBQ sauce tasting party where herds of chicken and pork were sacrificed to find out which sauce was the best? Staging the largest Steve Irwin, Crocodile Hunter, memorial party in the Midwest - if not the World? I did all these things with my old roommate Jared aka F. Stallone (the more talented Stallone).

The Last Supper complete with Jared as Peter

It was a friendship more Frank than Sly and formed of Mario Kart in the garage, meeting wizards while biking on trails after dark (“The bear is quiet, but the mouse is loud”), Electric Six (Improper Dancing happened in the middle of the street, at the Pio on a quiet Wednesday and elsewhere) and cases of Sparks (the formerly fantastic caffeinated alcoholic beverage).

We met when we “moved in” together in Eau Claire. I had dropped out of UW-Madison, the Navy, and UWEC and was living in EC when my friends Kris and Joe were looking for a place to live so I tossed my name into the mix. We found a three-bedroom house on West Grand and promptly allowed three other friends to move in – one of whom was Jared. It was a motley crew, with varying interests, but creativity abounded.

There have been few people in my life that I’ve felt have really gotten my humor and Jared is one of them. Obscure references, dry puns, and, surprisingly, sophisticated humor echoed through the house. I’m not sure we contributed anything to society that year, but it may have been my favorite year. You never knew what to expect from day to day, from the basement being closed for asbestos removal, a grappling hook arriving in the mail or a car stolen from out front while someone was sleeping on the couch (the door was never locked from the moment we moved in to when we moved out). The absurdity of our lives made life worth living.

We mourned the passing of the Croc Hunter for weeks

After the lease ran out, Jared moved out west; I’m not sure what he was up to (I don’t think he did either). I contracted Lyme disease and hung out at a hospital for a few weeks – perhaps my best accommodations the last few years – and then waffled around the Wisconsin Trail world, camping and essentially living out of my car. Around 2010 Jared decided to set out for an adventure that harkened back to classics from Gilbert and Sullivan, Jack Kerouac and Pee-Wee Herman. He set out to run across America in a devil costume. He called it Exercise the Demons.

The last time I hung out with Jared before his run was in Madison. He spent the day with old roommate Joe, running down State Street and around the Capitol wearing the devil suit (While running, he came across a guy rollerblading in a Wolverine costume). The night ended with the three of us crab walking across Wisconsin Avenue and a guy yelling out of his car, “and I thought I was drunk!” It was a fitting prelude to his epic run.

I introduced Simba to the World as Jared looked on

Jared was more of a Scar guy

I was gearing up to go on my own adventure – an 1100-mile hike of the Ice Age National Scenic Trail – so Jared and I had a few conversations on food and supplies. I had no idea what I was doing and neither did he. Those who have heard my story, know I winged it, had some fun and somehow made it through to the end, but Jared’s story is far more compelling and exciting – not to mention dangerous. He endured storms and a breakdown of gear in the Appalachian Mountains, got married, was kidnapped by a tweeker, hassled by the cops, and met countless people willing to help a vagabond on his crazy journey. Jared wrote an e-book about his adventure titled “The Now Testament” that is now on sale. If you want a story that makes your life seem pale and lifeless like Elizabeth Berkely’s acting career, I suggest reading this book. You can find out more and purchase the book at his website.

We all have people that we look up to, wish that we could do the things they do, were as smart and witty as them – Jared is one of those friends. I don’t see Jared as often as I should, but I take comfort knowing he is out there, living his own life and making the world better (scratch that last part, maybe). I’ll wonder what he’s up to and know deep down that he’s doing well, doing very well (and take comfort he knows a forgotten line from Glengarry Glen Ross). Everyone needs a Jared in their lives to remind them nothing is impossible and when terror comes to Beverly Hills, Frank Stallone is the man to call.